Inner Voices

inner voices

Today I felt like the worst mother in the world.
I went crazy.
I blame it on this damn pregnancy.

I get stressed out very easily lately. I get overwhelmed and I want to cry all the time. I get frustrated that I have to clean up after this tiny human over and over and over again! I get bitter when I can’t sit down to relax and watch 5 solid minutes of my favorite shows without hearing her beg for Yo Gabba Gabba, or whining because she’s hungry even though I just fed her and it’s an excuse to get a ‘treat’ of some sort. I get defeated that I no longer have ‘ME’ time. Instead, I have potty time, bath time, breakfast time, Mickey Mouse time, laundry time, dishes time, lunch time, snack time, work time, and make dinner for everyone but me time-because I have a stupid 2nd shift job and I never get to eat the home cooked meals that I make nightly. I’m angry because I was once care-free and had time to do what I wanted and I only had to worry about myself.

I yelled at her. Screamed at her. This precious, little angel that is my most treasured piece of my soul got screamed at by the one and only person she can come to for comfort, protection, and unconditional love.

She just wouldn’t stop whining for EVERYTHING, and climbing all over me, and making a mess, and just irritating me until I exploded…. and I yelled more than once. I put her in her room and shut the door just so I could have a minute of peace.

I took a deep breath, and when I opened the door.. you know what she did?
…she ran to me, arms wide open, tears streaming down her sweet cheeks, and that hiccup-cry-breathing thing when you cry so hard you can’t catch your breath. I scooped her up and held her so tight. My heart felt so much pain and tears welled up in my eyes. I felt miserable. I gently rubbed her back and shushed her to calm her breathing down and to comfort her. I spoke softly to her and told her that mommy was sorry that I yelled at her and that I loved her so much and everything was ok. I kissed her all over and gave her a big hug. When I tried to put her down she said ‘no, i cuddle you’. So we cuddled, and I silently cried.

I just have such mommy guilt. Guilt that this beautiful creature that I created and has brought such joy to my life STILL runs to me when I am the one who caused her sadness. She didn’t do anything wrong! She was simply being a 2 1/2 year old, and I’m a bitter woman who couldn’t control my temper.

Now I’m certain I’m not alone, am I mommies? We have all lost our minds a time or two. We’ve all just wanted to run away from it all and never look back. But then we sit, breathe, and realize that our babies give us far more joy than grief. I’m glad I had this realization today. I know that how I felt after I reacted this way is miserable for my baby and even more miserable for me! I saw a quote once that read something like “The way we speak to our children become their inner voices”. It made me think… I don’t want my children growing up with rage, anger, or resentment inside of them. I want to raise thoughtful, pleasant, happy children, full of grace and peace. This sounds like a complete fairy-tale I’m sure, but as long as I try to speak to them in an uplifting way, then I can say I’ve done my job.

So, I’m going to take it one day at a time. There will be more times, guaranteed, that I lose it again… but nothing will change if I don’t try. My children are worth it to me to speak to them with respect, love, and encouragement. And if I do that often enough, then maybe they will grow up with a defined, strong, inner voice that I’ve instilled in them.

Please consider the same. For me, I didn’t realize how often I acted this way until I took a step back and thought about it. So think about it. How many times have you said “Go away” or “Leave me alone” or “Stop bothering me”? Think about what that must feel like to a tiny soul who has yet to mature and experience life? Their whole world revolves around YOU! Let’s make them feel like they are important to us and they make us happier than anything on this earth. Because they are, and they do.

I love you Brynlee. More than you’ll ever know.

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